Run Away!!!!!

I have to confess to not having read Lori Gottlieb's book, but I did read her essay back when it was fresh. The new book-length version has attracted it's fair share of criticism lately; one of the more thoughtful critiques, by Julia Baird, is here.

Gottlieb is right, I think, in the basic point that the standards we set for ourselves -- and our partners -- can be unreasonable and have negative consequences. We live in a second-best world, and part of maturing is learning to accept things about people we may not necessary like or agree with.

But this passage from Baird's critique caught my eye:

This twisted thinking makes my head hurt. First, the only evidence offered to prove that women expect too much is anecdotal. Are some women too picky? Sure. People are shallow, unkind, and judgmental. But I don't know any women who have checklists. If they do, I imagine it's something most grow out of. If you will only date someone who looks like Brad Pitt, "earns a gazillion dollars, and makes your knees go weak every time you're together," as Gottlieb writes, then you're pirobably either 20 or stupid. Most of us just want to love and be loved. The data show that when it comes to money and education, women are in fact lowering their standards. A Pew study released Jan. 19 found that in 1970, 4 percent of wives earned more than their husbands. In 2007, 22 percent did. The percentage of women who had more education than their husbands rose from 20 to 28.

I had heard about this poll before and I had embraced it for two reasons: first, because obviously it would be nice to have a sugarmama; but second, because it shows some progress vis-a-vis gender roles.

That said, the point Baird is trying to make -- or at least the one I think she's trying to make -- is that there are some women out there who really need to raise their standards. It's really not a material issue and I wish Baird hadn't used economic figures. One of my friends makes a lot more money than her husband, but her beau is truly a sweet man -- a real catch. On the other hand, I have a co-worker (on my night job) whose boyfriend is in prison. And a lady in my neighborhood whose "man" doesn't seem to do a whole lot except disappear randomly and bum money off of her to buy pot. A friend-of-a-friend whose ex/baby daddy is bona fide bonkers. And don't even get me started on the boys my sister used to date (before snagging my brother-in-law, who I approve of greatly).

If "women need men the way fish need bicycles," then these women need these men about the way a fish needs the Gorton's Fisherman to show up in one of his industrial-sized floating fish-stick factories.

The point being, I can see how Lori Gottlieb may have a point. But, at the same time, if being overly picky about men is a problem.... then it really must be a nice problem to have. You know, right on par with not having enough space in the garage to stack all your hundred-dollar bills.

(I will allow more intellectual chicas the task of applying third-wave feminist notions, e.g. the intersectionality of class, to this debate.)